Madonna's bathtub: how pop's biggest superstar is coping with the coronavirus crisis

Name: Madonna.

Age: 61.

Appearance: Barely coping.

Barely coping with what? With coronavirus.

Has she got it? No, but since the last two dates of her Madame X tour were cancelled due to the pandemic, madame has quarantined herself.

Self-isolating, is she? I wouldn’t go that far. From the beginning, she has posted daily briefings to her 15 million Instagram followers and her 2.5 million Twitter followers.

Messages of goodwill and hand-washing advice? Not quite.

What sort of things, then? The first few featured her typing at a desk while simultaneously reading her words aloud. “Artists are here to disturb the peace,” she wrote, “but how shall I disturb it now?”

Good question. “I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open,” she said a few days later. “We are starting to ration food.”

It’s like Captain Scott’s diary, but pacier. On the 20th, she posted footage of herself singing a repurposed version of Vogue, with timely lyrics, using a hairbrush as a microphone.

What were the new words? “Come on, Vogue – I mean go. Let’s go eat some fried fish, fried fish! Cos there’s no more pasta, oh no!”

Could a neighbour maybe pop round to check on her? More recently, she posted a statement delivered while sitting naked in a bath sprinkled with rose petals.

What was the statement? “That’s the thing about Covid-19,” she said. “It doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are, what amazing stories you can tell.”

That’s pretty much what the WHO is saying. There is more: “It’s the great equaliser. And what’s terrible about it is what’s great about it.”

You can see why the message was so urgent she couldn’t wait until she had dried off. There is still more: “What’s terrible about it is that it’s made us all equal in many ways, and what’s wonderful about it is that it’s made us all equal in many ways.”

Is she actually bigging up the virus’s ability to kill indiscriminately? I think it’s more of a solidarity thing. “If the ship goes down,” she said, “we’re all going down together.”

Well, I feel a lot better. Yeah, me too.

But I’m still worried she is all alone. Don’t worry, her camera operator is there to check in on her.

Do say: “#quarantine #Covid-19 #staysafe #becreative.”

Don’t say: “Have you tried social media distancing?”